The news I got at 1:00pm on Monday, November 14 was certainly not the news I was expecting. I didn’t entertain the thought of what I would do when I stepped out into the hallway during my 8th period class to take a potentially devastating call. Walking back in, stunned into silence, was…well…I’m still speechless thinking about that moment. I’m glad that I had to get right back to reality because it didn’t allow me to linger on the moment for long. It was back to work with my twenty-five seniors who had what seemed like ten questions each to keep me busy for the rest of the class…but by 1:40 they were gone and I was alone to think. Think about the baby that wasn’t to be, think about how I’d tell Shane, think about how I’d tell the family…think about how I’d let everyone down.
To be honest, at the end of one of the longest weeks of my life, I’m still thinking about it. About the baby, about Shane, about our families. I’m thinking about the look on my dear husband’s face when I looked him in the eye and shook my head. I’m thinking about how wrong it felt to implant a three day embryo instead of the five day we were expecting. About how a “freeze-all cycle” seemed so right after the trauma of two surgical procedures in as many weeks. About how the day of the transfer just didn’t feel right. About how I didn’t protect our first embryo. About how I didn’t go with my instincts.
I’m grieving I suppose in some ways. I’m waiting for acceptance…and I’m getting there. But I’m giving myself this week to feel it all and not feel guilty for feeling it all – and then I’ll pick myself up and move forward.
I’m also missing my mom tonight a lot. This is another one of those times when there’s not too many people you want…but you definitely want her. So I’ll leave this picture here. The little one isn’t me – it’s her baby, Emily, and it’s one of my favorite pictures of the two of them – the perfection of a mother’s love is just mesmerizing. I’m longing tonight to be comforted by her…and I’m dreaming of this day for myself.