The Brennens…

There are so many unknowns that surround our lives right now…I’m sure nearly anyone could say the same about his or her own life but this particular moment feels different for us. We’re wondering…will there be a baby in the next year? Will we break the bank trying to have one? Will having one continue to break the bank? (I would think most parents reading this are nodding an emphatic YES to that last one!) Where and how does travel fit in?

For me, travel has always been an escape from reality. When I travel, I can be myself without fear of judgement or criticism (and if they do judge or criticize, who cares? I’ll never see them again!). There’s a freedom in seeing new places,  meeting new people, experiencing new things. I also love to do all of the prep work involved in travel…watching episodes of Rick Steves’ Europe, reading guidebooks, scouring Pinterest, listening to podcasts, studying reviews on TripAdvisor, creating spreadsheets, and doing a whole lot of talking to my travel buddies. When I was a kid, I loved going to AAA to get TripTiks…watching the travel agents work their route wizardry was mesmerizing. Whenever we got our maps for Florida or North Carolina (typical Ohioan summer getaways!), I would tell my mom that I wanted to be a travel agent – I too wanted to create the TripTik magic for vacationers. Though that childhood dream didn’t come to fruition, my trip planning does give me a chance to relieve it and pretend to have mastered the highlighter and CONSTRUCTION stamps once or twice a year.

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Before I met Shane and Tonia, “Lake and Ashtabula Counties” were just names of places that got a lot of snow days. The furthest I ever ventured in that direction was Mentor, and that was only on really rare occasions. Painesville was the end of the earth, Madison was foreign, and Jefferson…well…back to the snow day thing again. When he moved home from  his time in Georgia, one of the first things we did was drive around these mysterious locations to travel down Shane’s memory lane. One of the places he took me was Manners Tree Farm. Because we visited the property in February, it was all but shut down and didn’t look very appealing. In fact, it looked run down and kind of sad. What gave light to the post-Christmas farm was Shane’s recollections of his family tradition of trekking to Manners for their annual hunt. Lots of stories of hours in the fields, looking for the perfect tree, cold fingers and toes, and hot chocolate by the fire were coupled with promises of a continuation of the tradition for our future family; I could see it, despite the mud, gloom, and overall lack of Christmas cheer.

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Negative.

The news I got at 1:00pm on Monday, November 14 was certainly not the news I was expecting. I didn’t entertain the thought of what I would do when I stepped out into the hallway during my 8th period class to take a potentially devastating call. Walking back in, stunned into silence, was…well…I’m still speechless thinking about that moment. I’m glad that I had to get right back to reality because it didn’t allow me to linger on the moment for long. It was back to work with my twenty-five seniors who had what seemed like ten questions each to keep me busy for the rest of the class…but by 1:40 they were gone and I was alone to think. Think about the baby that wasn’t to be, think about how I’d tell Shane, think about how I’d tell the family…think about how I’d let everyone down.

To be honest, at the end of one of the longest weeks of my life, I’m still thinking about it. About the baby, about Shane, about our families. I’m thinking about the look on my dear husband’s face when I looked him in the eye and shook my head. I’m thinking about how wrong it felt to implant a three day embryo instead of the five day we were expecting. About how a “freeze-all cycle” seemed so right after the trauma of two surgical procedures in as many weeks. About how the day of the transfer just didn’t feel right. About how I didn’t protect our first embryo. About how I didn’t go with my instincts.

I’m grieving I suppose in some ways. I’m waiting for acceptance…and I’m getting there. But I’m giving myself this week to feel it all and not feel guilty for feeling it all – and then I’ll pick myself up and move forward.

I’m also missing my mom tonight a lot. This is another one of those times when there’s not too many people you want…but you definitely want her. So I’ll leave this picture here. The little one isn’t me  – it’s her baby, Emily, and it’s one of my favorite pictures of the two of them – the perfection of a mother’s love is just mesmerizing. I’m longing tonight to be comforted by her…and I’m dreaming of this day for myself.

Count ‘Em…

On Sunday morning, we were just about ready to head out to church when one of the embryologists from RGI called. She had me in tears – in the best way. We were able to freeze two embryos! That means we got exactly what we prayed for – three healthy embryos! To go from a 5% chance of conception, to incubating one and freezing two other embryos (that made it past the blastocyst stage to Day 6 – freeze day!) is a tremendous blessing. We are so, so very happy.

We are also very focused on each day’s progress. For example, today is five days past transfer. According to the IVF blogs, that means that today, the bun should be burrowing into the lining. It would have started yesterday after hatching and should be finished on Thursday. So we focus on that, visualize what that must be like for our tiny bun, and stay positive.

We heard from our embryologist this morning and of our five eggs, four have fertilized! This is great news! Today is technically Day 1, so you can see what the embryos will be doing today in the picture below. Our goal is that Day 5 blastocyst to be implanted on Saturday. Today I feel pretty sore still but the amazing news about our babies is giving me life! What an amazing feeling!!!

And because I always need a reminder of this: